Saturday, July 26, 2014

From MacRitchie to Lower pierce

Last time, i learnt how to fall in love.

This time, I learnt how to make love work, fight and perservere.

(Reserved for my love story)

Friday, November 08, 2013

Love woes

Many a times, being in this relationship makes me feel like a joke.. just what am I supposed to do man. Being a guy sucks. Especially when the girl has fairytale expectations and makes him constantly feel like he is being compared with the perfect boyfriend.

I think I have lost much of sensitivity and softness I gained from past experiences, cause the partner is not capable of picking up these traits. Nevermind, no spilled milk there, but it is ridiculous when she expects this from me.

I know I sound like a childish adolescent in puppy love who is incapable of sacrificing myself.. but asking me to do the "small things" is hard when you are not constantly on my mind. I'm an unromantic guy.. I dont think about love all day. And sadly, my lover can be pretty quite not lovely as well sometimes.. dont worry im not breaking up or giving up. Just that I have reached a dead end in terms of feelings and ideas.. need to recycle some idealistic ones that stayed with me from previous trysts..

Tuesday, September 03, 2013

Straightforward Simplicity is a rare commodity today

It's been a blessing to have Pastor Frank, the first pastor of my childhood (and the one who brought my entire family to christ), come to visit and serve our community and us all the way from Oregon.
Although some times have been tough, I have definitely grown and learnt new experiences from this short 1.5 weeks.

It was definitely not easy giving up my room and my privacy for such an amount of time. I learnt that by losing freedom and comfort, I suddenly have to care more for how my actions affect others. When I slept on the floor in my parents' room, even the slightest noise or light from a phone that we were unaccustomed to could disturb our sleep (the place where we have freedom and are most private, in our own worlds). I realised it took much love to share a private space and time with other people, and how I needed to adjust my own habits in consideration of others. It was also a good chance for me to learn how to show love to another person by giving up things i possess. Though it might be a generous act, it is important to follow through with a smile instead of grumbling, such that the intention behind the sacrifice was not soiled.

The wisdom of another that has matured in another society can really offer a different perspective. Having sermons, bible studies, and even conversations with him allowed me to broaden my perspectives. I guess the thing I'm most thankful for is probably how he encouraged me to look beyond my narrow POV in my relationship. I often complain of how I wished i could bounce my "deep" and weird views off of my partner and expect her to do the same with a different set of experiences from me. However as I was busy doing that, I failed to realise the virtues in her that were missing in many other people of today. Her simplicity and straightforwardness might be what i need to bring me back to Earth when i need it. Being able to see a bigger outcome and goal (e.g. be happy) is something many of us miss. While i might have the ideas to reach that goal, I still need to find a way to realise I need to score the goal.

I also learnt to appreciate how devotion and innocence is precious. These things are untainted, and probably unable to be given by someone broken before. Hey Gary, maybe it's time to try harder to step out of your own ways of loving others...

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Hello you...
You finally remembered this space again i see :)
It would definitely have been a shock, if you didn't follow up here and had to take in my deeper thoughts and feelings all at once.

There are things here, many things, that I cannot confide in anyone but no one

I have changed people, I have hurt people, and I feel like scum when that happens.
But then again, hurt is how we grow. It pushes us to adapt and come up with new emotional strategies in the game of life. I can't say who is right, cause there is no knowing until we pass that point in time and look back.
Experience. Honesty. Reflection. Communication.
I guess this can define how I am currently handling life and relationships.


Take me to new depths, to unknown territories.
Resurface, breathe, then let's do it again.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Melancholic birthdays

I like birthdays, as long as they are not my own. This is only something I've come to realize in the recent years. Every time my birthday swings by, I will feel a sense of sadness and sentiment welling up, increasing from the eve till the day it is over. I know that it doesn't really do justice to my friends, family, and girlfriend who are so excited and happy for me, but I really cannot help but feel this way. I'm still also in the process of understanding myself, why I will feel this way.

Dad told me that I liked my birthdays up till 12, which was when I first moved to Corvallis, Oregon. Maybe it was then when I saw many things and matured. Living in two different cultures might have allowed me to mature and shed one layer of the veil life has placed over all our eyes. Now that I think back, a kid who doesn't like his own birthday can sound slightly screwed up haha..

I'm not sure whether it is the realization of increased responsibilities that make me look to the future with apprehension. For someone who loves freedom, I really dislike having to make my choices and head to a definite future. Likewise, it is no surprise I have little idea what I want to specialize in yet, nor what I do not want. I still have many many things I wanna try and do, but seems like time is not on my side.

______________

Every birthday is like an alarm clock telling me how little time I have left to find my meaning in life.
______________

Maybe... I feel this way also because I have unanswered questions about the choices I have made. I cannot predict the future, I can only look to god and trust that he will guide my way. If I have learnt what I was supposed to, I pray that you can open my eyes to the next step.

My future is in god's hands. I have no way to know if my decisions are right. So no matter what happens I won't regret.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Retrospective

Choices.

Life is always full of choices, even when there doesn't seem to be one.
Patient is on the operating table. As a doctor, we need to operate right?
But the normal person would not even consider walking away, to catch a movie or to go home early cause he's tired of operating for the day. However, there is the choice!
What stops him would probably be the moral conscience and duty of care he has committed himself to by taking the Hippocratic Oath in the beginning of his medical school. (when he has no idea what that oath meant)

In the above case, the choice might not have been correct. 
Of course, any sane person would have crucified that doctor for doing so...
But not all choices are so apparent!

Most of the time, choices are ambiguous...
It might be easy to decide what others should do, but it is always hard when we need to make choices that affect our own lives. Tonight, I found answers and was able to evaluate 2 choices that I made, probably the most important choices in my short life so far.

1. Zoe

She is a good friend, perhaps the best friend I had.
She is magical, able to bring change everywhere she goes.
By making herself vulnerable and genuine, she makes others realise things about themselves, and understand who they are. They are not afraid to make difficult decisions, or swim against the stream. Troubles they go through suddenly seem much more manageable and optimistic.
I have grown, from a big bastard into a slightly smaller bastard, maybe just as asshole as of now.

Looking at how she is managing her current relationship, I realised that I could not bring her pure happiness, only a bittersweet marathon. I am sincerely happy when I saw that she was "in a relationship" on Facebook, because she was finally doing right the things that were wrong with me. It's great that she is working well toward BTO flat with her boyfriend, eventually toward marriage. And it's great we are able to talk again.

Seeing how happy she is now, and how much she has achieved and how much more she can achieve with her current psyche, I'm glad we moved on. I have grown so much. Learning to be a man is not easy...

Was it a mistake to get together? Probably not
Was it a mistake to go separate ways? Probably not either
Someone once said "people are meant to fall in love, but not to be together"

2. Medicine

Why did i choose medicine? My answer would be less glorious and honorable than most others.
In the same way, it would also be less idealistic, and less airy-fairy than others'.

I think most laymen would be able to sympathize with my points. 
First, it is a stable, well paying job.
Secondly, you will never get bored of your job, meeting new people and new problems everyday.
Next, you have the chance to touch people's lives and help them directly.
Lastly, deferring NS to be with your girl sounds tempting doesn't it?

6 weeks into M3 and interacting with patients, unknowingly, my initial reasons have disintegrated.
First, stable, $$, yes. But it comes with a shitload of hard work and sacrifice in almost all other areas of life.
Secondly, most jobs have things that can drive people, just that for medicine, this drive is easier for stupid people to find. The problem solving is straightforward and benefactors are apparent.
Next, doctors have so little time with each patient. Yes there's breadth in our ability, but if you want depth, do social work.
Lastly, the girl is gone lolol.

___________________

So then, what drives me now? To care enough to follow up on patients for who they are instead of for their condition? To talk back to heads of department because I see, using my limited insight, ways to improve? To personally message "scary" senior consultants feared by other students, to ask for their personal reasons to care for patients?

I have no tangible answer, but on retrospect, I am convinced my decision to take up medicine was right.
I am slowly beginning to discover things that will keep me going despite fatigue, hopelessness, and self pity.
Being able to do medical work is an honour.
Being a doctor entitles one to irrational respect and power, more than what we deserve.
Patients trust us, to even place their lives in our hands while lying unconscious on the operating table.
Hence, isn't it worth it to exchange a few hours of leisure or sleep everyday to prepare ourselves to save lives? What is sleep or leisure worth compared to human lives?

Nothing much..
Fucking nothing much....


I am sincerely glad I chose medicine, even with such weak reasons.



We never know what's the right choice for the future;
we only realise if we made the right choice if we look back,
retrospective

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Opening Pandora's box - PTSD?

We can't run away from our past forever..
There are things I've done that have left permanent wounds, impressions, as well as brought permanent judgement and hate onto myself. However, one day I must come back and address each of the regrets I have created.
It will not be easy, enjoyable, nor rewarding, but it will be satisfying, and more importantly, right.

There will always be this tinge of sadness, bitterness, and jealousy. But then again, this is the essence of human life :)

As my old man once said (which was then quoted by two good friends):

"The better days you were looking for is the today, because it is what you wished for in the past."
"Memorable experiences can only be lived once, hence do not dwell on the past but treasure the now"